A self serving post. Turn away if you prefer motivation talks.

It feels like a weight has been lifted. Today was remarkable.

I feel the need to blog about a tremendous affliction that has been plaguing my mind for what seems since like ... from when I was leaving for America.

It was December 2011. Feeling the need to accomplish something before 20 was my greatest challenge but it was more fear than empowerment. I set out to run my first business. I just turned 17. My dream was to establish an enterprise, particularly a internet cafe but with a different approach. A place for more than tediously grinding an avatar to higher levels in an online game but where gamers come together and celebrate the games they love. I'll save the sob story for myself but the business didn't get pass the point to where I can open the doors to customers due to what may seem to me at that time an impassable hurdle (filthily corrupt officials who won't issue me a business permit unless bribery a deal was struck).

January the following year, I was employed in my high school, a Christian missionary private homeschooling center, as an assistant teacher. During this time I would be struggling with the idea of going to university to further my studies because the entire process seemed very obscure and due to family background (my father, a successful businessman who only got a high school cert) I was convinced it was a worthless pursuit. A university degree don't guarantee anything and the entire education system was rigged to generate money and not true education.

Fast forward to August, I am sitting in a hall in Swift Center at The University of Texas at Arlington where international students sit through an orientation/briefing before school starts. I eventually enrolled against my will but my hope remains that here in Arlington, Texas somehow I will pick up necessary life skills that will serve me well in the future(?).

Obviously with that kind of mentality I would only set up myself for disappointment. I mean I was expecting the school and classes to teach me how to perform basic, menial life tasks such as personal financial planning -- I blew a year's worth of allowance in two months -- and not only did I not receive what I was hoping to get, the US of A requires undergraduates to take general classes during freshman year to equip future degree holders with a more wholesome education. What happened was I took 2 English classes, 1 Public Speaking class, 2 Mathematics class, 2 Political Science class and 1 History class. 2 subjects I excel in and felt the materials were redundant. Public speaking was more of memorizing the aspects of a speech than actually speaking. The only class I thoroughly enjoyed was a Political Science class taught by Professor Joseph Ignani and it was on the framework of the American government. When I received a letter I got into the dean's list with a 3.75GPA in the first semester, I crumpled the letter and threw it in the bin. Don't take this wrong, at that time I felt my GPA reflected a perverted view of the effort I put in for it. I barely put in any! I did forged priceless friendships that are worth a lifetime and tried a variety of activities (beach volleyball, house parties, drugs psychochemistry) and performed routines a person living on his own would (grocery, laundry, housekeeping).

Still my frustration from unrealistic expectations built up and what unfolded in the second semester are not to be spoken off. An atrocity that only a degenerate, lowly human being would do. I dropped out. The way it manifested was that I quit attending classes and hung out with friends more often than I should. On finals week I only went to two out of four of my papers.

I was living in excess. An excess of confusion.

Today. TODAY, I am a student at Inti International College Penang pursuing a Diploma in Business. Today a student dialogue was to be held and a panel of high ranking officials from IT technicians up to the principal was present and students are encouraged to voice out any concerns that they may face. Naively I attended said dialogue to present a well thought out case on how to improve the education and/or the system (you see the recurring pattern?).

Inti's institutional vision was to "make innovative changes to education" but what I saw was only an institution like many other that wishes to squander student's valuable youth make economically sound decisions that will positively affect the corporate's bottom line.

And where do I come into play? A dispensable unit. A readily changeable part in this money making machine.

It's not that I never knew .. it's just that today I accepted the fact and yield in the h of fate.

And I finally understood am happy.